SCROLL DOWN TO THE COMMENTS!
What You'll Discover in this Episode:
We are joined today by Calvary Chapel University’s biblical counseling instructor Dr. Bill Hines. Dr. Hines is the President of Covenant Ministries, Inc.- a biblical counseling and education ministry in Ft. Worth, Texas and a commissioned addictions biblical counselor. An ordained Minister of the Gospel of Christ, Bill is a certified biblical counselor with The Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) & The International Association of Biblical Counselors (IABC)
In the culture we live in today it seems as though we are all facing conflicts and disagreements. Every believer is created in a unique way to bring God glory. Since each believer is different we are going to have differences in opinion. These differences of opinion can lead to conflicts and disagreements. Conflicts and disagreements are not necessarily bad unless they lead to sin.
The Bible is the foundation in Christian living and contains all we need to live a righteous life. The Bible does not shy away from talking about conflicts. Paul and Barnabas had a heated disagreement which shows us that there will be times when Christians face disagreements.
In our continued study of conflict resolution God’s way, we will discuss conflicts that arise from indifference's. This type of conflict arises when there is a difference of opinion or a different preference. There are practical Biblical practices we can apply to our lives in order to find resolutions to our conflicts.
The foundation of resolution is humility. When we face conflict with our fellow brother or sister in Christ, we need to understand that we both worship the same God and that we are united in Christ. As believers, we need to live in compassion with one another.
Pastor Jeff and Dr. Hines revisit the discussion on three main types of conflict in the conflict resolution series. These main types of conflicts are: conflicts that result from differences, conflicts that result from sinfulness, and conflicts that result from righteousness issues.
Resources:
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SCROLL DOWN TO THE COMMENTS!
This podcast opened my eyes to what God has been teaching me recently,
do not try to be right be righteous. I have lately been convicted and tested in ways that my understanding of trying to be the one that corrects or guides with the right heart and motive makes much of a difference than going in with out a heart check.
If I can’t back up my points with scripture and guidance from Holy Spirit it is I than needs the counseling.
Mind Bowing and yet so simplistic
A parent that feels need to point out everything wrong with their children, or a friend or mentor that is always trying to point out the faults in the other person, tends to harm more than it tends to make the situation better. Especially when you know that the other person is wrestling and trying to deal with it. God doesn’t punish us for every sin and wrong that we do. I believe He picks the battles and so do we. So I think something this podcast taught me is to ask God for wisdom and discernment to know which battled are worth fighting and which other ones are just worth praying about but not necessarily talking about constantly. If .we keep telling people all of the time what is wrong with them, and not what is right with them, they will eventually leave because they will not feel cared about or loved, they will just feel condemned, judged and like they can’t do anything right. I pray that God gives us wisdom to know what sins we should confront and the right way to approach them. I love the idea of winning the other person, and not the argument
I think you made a great point, that we cannot ‘nick-pick’ other people’s issues for everything, as you said it often does more harm than good. Especially, when they are wrestling and trying to deal with it, I feel that the appropriate responds is to come along side them and build them up and encourage them. That is a great take away from this Podcast, I think it shows a lot of wisdom and discernment to know when to confront issues and when not too.
Its was such powerful message by Dr. Hines and Pastor Jeff. How to deal with conflict and truly decern between sin or opinion of people. It was give such godly wisdom how to deal with them and steps to take. I like how Pastor Jess said win the brother not the argument. I found that is so true if we focus on winning and be right about then we dealing with our own pride and need to to take to the Lord. The truth is we don’t know the persons heart only God does and confronting with sin, we need to check our heart before the Lord and seek His wisdom and counsel.
Oftentimes facing conflict head-on is the last thing we want to do. We’d rather bury our head in the sand, avoid the person who caused us pain, or try to pretend the offense did not occur. Oftentimes we avoid the conflict, or the person entirely, convincing ourselves that in doing so we are maintaining peace.But God calls us to initiate the process of reconciliation. If there is conflict in a relationship, “go to your brother”. God’s call for us is to be a peacemaker, even if we feel we have done nothing wrong or the other person’s offense is the greater of the two.
Its was such powerful message by Dr. Hines and Pastor Jeff. How to deal with conflict and truly decern between sin or opinion of people. It was give such godly wisdom how to deal with them and steps to take. I like how Pastor Jess said win the brother not the argument. I found that is so true if we focus on winning and be right about then we dealing with our own pride and need to to take to the Lord. The truth is we don’t know the persons heart only God does and confronting with sin, we need to check our heart before the Lord and seek His wisdom and counsel.
Oftentimes facing conflict head-on is the last thing we want to do. We’d rather bury our head in the sand, avoid the person who caused us pain, or try to pretend the offense did not occur. Oftentimes we avoid the conflict, or the person entirely, convincing ourselves that in doing so we are maintaining peace.But God calls us to initiate the process of reconciliation. If there is conflict in a relationship, “go to your brother”. God’s call for us is to be a peacemaker, even if we feel we have done nothing wrong or the other person’s offense is the greater of the two.
Yes, I really was struck also by Pastor Jeff’s comment about win the brother and not the argument. So often I find my self focused on the wrong thing and want to ‘win the argument’ and am not focused on the ‘brother’. I really liked how you said, ‘God’s call for us is to be a peacemaker, even if we feel we have done nothing wrong or the other person’s offense is the greater of the two.’ So true!
I think the very first point really spoke to me the most. In my own life, sometimes I can see myself only rebuking people because it makes me look good or because it makes me feel better about myself. I should never be rebuking someone for personal gain, but rather i should be doing it because I love the other person. It is always easiest to point out the worst in people and to see what their problems are, but it is hardest to understand what your own are sometimes. I also liked what was said about forgiveness and not continually being nit picky about everyone sin. People are going to make mistakes it is in our human nature and therefore you can never expect anyone to be perfect. If this is the case you cannot always get on people about accidents or when maybe they lash out and curse. If they apologize it is our job to forgive them, but also to let it go. This is probably the biggest thing. We should not continually bring it up and give them a hard time about it if they already asked for forgiveness and are working on it. Our job is to come along side them and help them overcome it.
I enjoyed this conversation about conflict resolution with Dr. Hines. I think the main take away for me personally is to always check yourself first. This came up a few times. Of course, we should always begin by making sure we are not in sin ourselves before we ever approach someone else. Secondly, sometimes we should reflect on our offenses. Should I let this go or actually pursue the resolution? They discussed how sometimes we need to err on the side of letting love cover a multitude of sins. I think the main thing here is to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can TRULY let something go. When we go this route, we cannot foster unresolved anger/offense/etc.
So true Sari, we should check ourselves first before we approach someone else who is in sin. Love should be our main motivator for speaking with someone and love should cover sin.
Again, another great Podcast by Pastor Jeff and Dr. Hines. I really like the idea to view a situation or a conflict through the eyes of Jesus. To take on that perspective rather than our own, because I think that opens up the door for humility. Which is I think essential when dealing with conflict, we have to take maybe somebody’s opinion with humility and pray about it and than go from there rather than reacting right away to it. This all comes through being in the Word of God, having that implanted on our hearts, which gives us wisdom to handle situations. As Pastor Jeff said when in leadership there are always going to be people sharing opinions on ideas and we have to be open to listen but than also pray about it. See if there is truth to what they are saying.
I agree anytime we approach someone we need to make sure it is done in humility. We need to take the low place and lift them up. It is so true that this can only happen when we are in the Word and allowing the Lord to transform us. Any confrontation done in the flesh will be wasted.
There were so many good truths in this podcast talking about Matthew 18. Our desire when confronting someone is that they would be corrected for restoration. It is so important to seek the Lord for wisdom and discretion when confronting someone. It is God’s kindness that leads us to repentance and He does not confront us over every little nuance in our life, neither should we confront someone with all that bothers us about them. Matthew 18 is for those who are in sin and need rescuing and help to walk with Jesus. It needs to be done in love, desiring the person to be restored in their relationship with the Lord. If we are to be involved in confronting people to bring that back to the Lord we need to have a right heart. Not a person of gossip, but a humble heart come to them in meekness.
One of the first questions presented by Jeff and Dr. Hines was: Do we go into conflict with the idea of winning our brother? Our desire should be to restore the relationship and actually make it better! Unfortunately, most come to a conflict with the attitude that they are better than the other person and other person needs to be corrected? This will not lead to a successful reconciliation.
How does our attitude and reaction effect the body of Christ? Dr. Hines has a rule of thumb “If I am not part of the problem and I am not part of the solution, I am not part of it.”
Proverbs 17:9 “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”
We must remember that God is so gracious to forgive us, we should so much more forgive those around us and allow God to deal with some issues. Be careful not to nitpick and point out splinters, but to cover an offense. Reminding ourselves that we are still sinful and in need of grace and forgiveness.
Its was such powerful message by Dr. Hines and Pastor Jeff. How to deal with conflict and truly decern between sin or opinion of people. It was give such godly wisdom how to deal with them and steps to take. I like how Pastor Jess said win the brother not the argument. I found that is so true if we focus on winning and be right about then we dealing with our own pride and need to to take to the Lord. The truth is we don’t know the persons heart only God does and confronting with sin, we need to check our heart before the Lord and seek His wisdom and counsel. Oftentimes facing conflict head-on is the last thing we want to do. We’d rather bury our head in the sand, avoid the person who caused us pain, or try to pretend the offense did not occur. Oftentimes we avoid the conflict, or the person entirely, convincing ourselves that in doing so we are maintaining peace. But God calls us to initiate the process of reconciliation. If there is conflict in a relationship, “go to your brother”. God’s call for us is to be a peacemaker, even if we feel we have done nothing wrong or the other person’s offense is the greater of the two.
I was encouraged by the very insightful issue of self-righteousness. Dr. Hines spoke of how during a conflict the hurt person may self-righteously believe themselves “better” than the other person who committed the sinful act. It is really hard to see resolution and restoration when there is pride in the hurt person like this which believes the other person is less than them.
I think of one couple I am informally counseling right now. The hurt party is approaching the situation as though they are sinless, their inappropriate actions are justifiable, and the other person has proven themselves to be the “problem.” This kind of pride is actually keeping her from loving, forgiving, and helping her husband work through his issues.
We all really need to think of how God’s heart was hurt by the sinful actions of those who hurt us. They have hurt God far beyond and disrespected God far beyond ourselves. This will lead to humility when we realize we have all done this to God. Humility can then in turn lead to real restoration.
Hi Alejandro,
I very much agree that pride after being hurt is what often prevents us from seeking reconciliation. I know I have experienced it, my own pride keeping me from seeing the other person the way God sees him. It is unfortunately what causes us to take so long to check for our own fault in the matter.
I was also really struck with how both Pastor Jeff and Dr. Hines would take notes when they were confronted by others. Hard to do, but probably pays big character dividends.
I am looking to do the same things when I am confronted next. It was drilled into me by my parents to take critiques, rebukes, and correction respectfully. However, it is not easy to then go and ponder those confrontations with humility. I know that it takes God’s Spirit to convict us through those confrontations so that we will truly realize our needs to change. Praise God for His work in us.
I agree with you Alejandro about realizing how much we have hurt the Lord’s heart and it’s far worse than yourself or the other person. I agree that with this perspective, it will cause us to have humility and will guide us to restoration. In the mist of being in pain, it can be hard for us to remember this but with a good Biblical Counselor, we can help them with this and through the pain.
Hi Alejandro,
I remember when I used to use the term years ago as I went through a terrible divorce that I was “duped”. That is, I felt as though I had been duped into thinking he was someone he was not, and while it may have been true, I used that term to place all the blame on him. It also gave me a level of justification in my bad behavior and actions. I was innocent! Or so I wanted to believe. I soon realized through the power of the Holy Spirit and the washing of the Word, that I was anything but blameless. I was no better in the eyes of the Lord. I had disobeyed God’s Word and had not been living for Him.
I will be praying for the couple you are counseling. We must all realize that we are sinners who by grace are saved through faith and it is not of ourselves, it is a gift of God!
Alejandro,
I think you are spot on in saying that humility is the key to overcoming this ugly sin of self-righteousness. If we approach someone with that heart attitude, true restoration will not really be possible. It is hard to be willing to fix things with someone who does not see their own part in the issue. But the opposite is equally true, when we can approach each other with teachable hearts, knowing we ALL need Jesus, it makes the other more willing to compromise.
Great message from Dr. Hines and Pastor Jeff and deciding if something is sinful depending on what the scriptures says and how to handle the conflict. I would agree that many people go into a conflict with wanting to be proven right in comparison to preserve the relationship. A great point by Dr. Hines was keeping the focus on what did it do to God’s heart, the body of Christ and the person. Not being part of the problem or situation, then we should stay out of it in comparison to be part of something and how we confront them. I really enjoyed the sharing of the parent-child relationship and how to handle a child’s sinful behavior as it can distance the relationship. As Dr. Hines shares, the Lord doesn’t convict us over every sin, but God is dealing with things at certain times. This will hurt the relationship for possible times when the child needs to seek their parents for help in handling a situation.
Hi Autumn,
I also picked up on that note about not commenting on every single sin that a person commits. Sometimes God is working in one area of our lives, and for the time being overlooks another area in order to fix or heal the former. It really is a good reminder as I am dealing with my kids: for now, major on the majors.
I completely agree. I have applied this to my parenting with my daughter and stepsons as I wish that I would have been given grace and understanding growing up. I want to encourage the communication with my daughter and also allow her to grow during the times she makes mistakes.
It is a great insight to focus on how our actions effect the heart of God more than people around us. King David was convicted of his murder of Uriah and sins against Bathsheba when confronted with Nathan. But, David responded saying he had sinned against God. This is the reality of our sins. Our sins are always more irreverent unto God than the people around us. I man say something hurtful to my wife, but I first and foremost spoke against God’s daughter.
Autumn, I had not thought about that statement about how God does not call us out on every single sin. If He convicted me all day everyday my head would explode! He is SO FULL of grace and mercy and I know that I do not even realize how much so! I am so grateful. I just want to be able to show the same amount of love to others.
I love your comment Autumn, yes how that so important and essential. It’s such hope to know that is every situation have solution, And how that pleases God to see that His children seeking His help and will. And sometimes it’ happens when we are may have to agree to disagree. You can change only yourself. You are not responsible for another’s response—only yours. Honor God and uphold truth when you respond.
It seems to me the characteristics of humility and obedience to the Word are consistent requirements to effective confrontation. I like the reference to Galatians 6:1, calling us to restore a sinner “…in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.” Yes, we are to be obedient to God by confront sin in another believer, but also take note of our own sinfulness – that will lead (if your like me..) to a humble place and also provide the setting for restoration.
The two differing incidents of confrontation Dr. Hines experienced show two potential responses from an offender. The first confrontation spoken of was to a pastor who, not only didn’t accept Dr. Hines’ humble rebuke, but also mischaracterized him to others, thereby hurting his reputation. The pastor wasn’t humble enough to accept the confrontation and he also disparaged the Dr. Hines in the process – violating the command in Matthew 18:15 to keep the matter private, “between you and him alone.”
The second example was to a person who accepted the confrontation, dealt with it with humility and acknowledgement, and was restored. No gossip, no bitter feelings, no pride, no further action needed. Awesome.
One other note from Pastor Jeff regarding social media: “We live in an age of outrage among the Twittersphere and the social media world.” I agree. We as people are bent towards being vindictive – it is part of our sin nature – but it’s divisive, and it’s actually meant to be. That’s how the media survive – by dividing one another so as to stir emotion, conflict, and manipulate people to take sides and engage. Why? The media makes a lot of money off it (eyeballs equals advertising dollars and data collection). In the meantime, relationships break, people suffer, sometimes nations become divide. As Jesus followers, however, we are not to engage as the world engages: we are not to look for opportunities to smear, or ruin a person’s reputation – especially to a mass population. Psalm 71:10 says, “For my enemies speak against me;
And those who lie in wait for my life take counsel together.” Words can hurt, and with social media the opportunities for a large negative impact are readily available. Let’s not take the bait (okay, I’m done… thx) 🙂
Blessings,
Tom
I completely agree with you and Pastor Jeff regarding the social media world and being vindictive. Social media has many positives but the way people share their conflicts or are vindictive toward others, it causes more issues than going to the person directly. It has become a dividing nature from the enemy.
Hi Tom!
I am glad you hit on the portion about social media. Many people are adopting there belief systems and attitudes toward others from social media. Even if you follow something as silly as a Christian Meme page, they get an on-slot of ugly comments. Its a meme for goodness sake! People have made it there goal to “correct” or make their seemingly infallible opinion known. It is just hateful, negative and unnecessary judgement.
I agree with you, we need to be careful that we do not engage as the world engages. I generally make it a rule not to engage in any controversial conversation online. Though occasionally I have. It generally doesn’t end well and I just get all worked up! We can speak truth in love in our personal posts, and encourage the saints, refrain from entangling ourselves in worthless arguments.
Unfortunately, I have heard similar stories to that of Dr. Hines story of the pastor who characterized him poorly to other people. The immature man and foolish man will always lash out instead of respond properly. This is why it says “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Children and Youth are always more susceptible to lashing out instead of heeding the rebuke. It’s the same with the immature pastor who responded poorly to Dr. Hines.
I agree with you, to take the conflict into deferent level on humanity and seeking God heart. It only able to happens when we see through His eyes and not through ours. Count the cost. If resolution does not count in the long run, perhaps you should overlook it and go to more important issues.